me.

A little girl sits on a hard stool at her kitchen counter, just waiting for the knock at the door. She waits for a second, than a minute, than an hour. Then two hours have gone by, and there still has not been a hollow wooden knock at the door. I sat as this little girl, year after year for four years, waiting for daddy to come pick me up. Then one day, he just stopped coming. It took a while for the absolute agony to take its full effect on me, but once it did I vowed that he was no longer my father. I started to hate him and chose to love the real father figure in my life, who was my stepfather.
Eight years later, that stepfather is gone. He had a new daughter, a new fiancé and an entirely new life. Once again I found myself as that little girl who I had thought I had left behind. That little girl inside me was hurt and she cried out all her tears for seconds that turned to minutes, minutes that turned to hours and then hours that turned to days. I sat and I thought about this person that I had become. I had become so obsessed with the hatred that I held inside that I had lost my sense of self. I pitied myself daily for the fact that both of my fathers had removed themselves from my life entirely. I watched my cousins with their loving father and became jealous. My eyes became an even deeper green.
Then one day I had an epiphany. I could either choose to let these events in my life tear me down, or choose to let them make me stronger. I had to forgive. I forgave my dad who gave up on me all those years ago. I forgave my stepdad who helped to raise me. I forgave these two men for all the wrong they did to me in order for me to move on from my life. I refused to become a person that would let her past take over her future.
I did learn something from both of these men. I learned who I never want to become. It is very easy for someone to say that they don’t want to become a jealous person, or a racist, or an abuser, or a con artist or even just selfish. Obviously no one wants to become any of these things. But, I believe that growing up and seeing two men that displayed some or all of these qualities has made me realize even more so what I do not want to be. These two men have given me more determination in my life than I ever thought I would have. They showed me what not to become. This in turn has made me into a helper, a listener, and a selfless person. If they had never put me through what they did, and if I never would have forgiven them, I never have become this person who knows what it is like to feel incredible pain, and also what it feels like to be liberated.